Picking Up Others Emotions

April 23, 2012 in Birth, Birth Video, Cesarean, Doula

I was watching a birth video and it gave a warning that it was going to show a cesarean. “Turn off now if you don’t want to see a graphic cesarean”

Well, I was curious so I watched. It wasn’t pretty, it was graphic and it made me hurt to watch it. I felt it physically and emotionally.

T2 was watching me watch the video (he didn’t see the video at all). Just by watching me watch it he felt sad and scared and afterward asked me to release some emotions he had taken on from watching me watch.

It brought home to me how sensitive he is and I am actually very similar. I FEEL what others are feeling, unless I use my bubble of peace to protect myself. (Bubble of Peace is a Hypnobabies tool)

As birth workers we need to have a strong bubble of peace or some type of protection so we can support others in their feelings and experiences without taking them on as our own.

How many of you have taken on your clients emotions during a birth?

What tools do you use to keep this from happening? Or do you not find it to be a problem?

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Activism in the Birthing Room

November 28, 2011 in Birth, Cesarean, Doula

I enjoyed reading this post by Nurtured Moms about activism in the Birthing Room. It made me think back to a few months ago when I was SO nervous about my VBA2C’s mom upcoming birth. Was I going to have to be an Activist? Or could I just support Mom?

I didn’t know what role I was going to be playing with the staff.

When T. tried to hire me, I first said “No, don’t bother unless you change care providers and hospitals.” No you may not hire me!

Her OB was the one that pulled the rug out from under her for her first VBAC try.
The hospital was not VBAC friendly.
I thought her chance of a VBAC there was about 1% chance.

So T. tried to find another care provider. She spent months trying to do so, but wouldn’t find anyone to support her in a VBA2C. She finally had her records switched to another care provider (for a cesarean) and her original OB said that she would really support her in her VBA2C, so she switched back.

This whole time we were in touch via e-mail and phone. I would give her other names of people to call, I would send her links, like when ACOG came out in support of some VBA2C. I knew how hard she was working to make it happen.

When she switched back she asked if I would be her doula.

I wasn’t sure what we would really be up against, but I had seen how hard she was working to achieve her goal and wanted to provide whatever support I could. So I said yes, but was really, really unsure what my role would be.

I think that doulas need to be educators and activists before the birth.

Then in the birthing room we need to support the parents in choices they make. We can certainly remind them of the pros and cons (that they should have already learned before hand – because it is hard to learn something new during birth!)

In this moms case, if we showed up at the hospital and they tried to pull the rug out from under her I would have to have really stuck up for the mom and supported her in the research and choice she had made to have a VBA2C. Unless there was something wrong with mom or baby, why change the plans? Her OB said she was on board, so I was going to really push for her to support mom.

I was so unsure of what my role would be

I was SO nervous about this birth! I had never gone into a birth before knowing it may be very adversarial.

I would have been a STRONG advocate for her, respecting whatever the mom wanted to do along the way! If the nurses or OB had tried to scare her into a cesarean if all was well with her and her baby, I would have helped her fight against it. In this case I would have been an activist IN the birthing room.

Luckily she had great support from all of the staff. I got to be a “normal” doula. Doing my normal doula things. Rubbing backs, walking the halls, reassuring her it was OK to get an epidural when she really wanted one, being amazed by birth. Respecting the mom and HER choices!

So I don’t want to be an activist in the birthing room, I don’t think doulas normally need to be, but there are times when it is the right thing to do.

Another great post http://wonderfullymadebelliesandbabies.blogspot.com/2011/05/our-own-worse-enemy.html

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3 Tips You can Take to Avoid a Traumatic Birth

June 18, 2011 in Birth, Birth Care Provider, Birth Location, Cesarean, Choose Wisely

You may have been reading my series on healing from a traumatic birth and wondered, is there anything you can do to prevent one?

Three Things You CAN Do

There are some choices which may help you avoid a traumatic birth.

Choose care provider carefully - having a supportive care provider can help avoid traumatic situations. Read a few of the posts on My OB said What? to see what I mean.
Choose your birth location carefully – birth locations make a huge difference in the amount of support a mom may get in different birthing scenarios.
Hire a doula. Having a continuous support person with you who is familiar with birth can be very helpful and can increase a moms chance of having a positive birth experience.

I was at a birth as a doula, where the mom had done great choosing her care provider and birth location (great OB and hospital) and she suddenly needed an emergency cesarean. The room quickly filled with people and it was very chaotic. It was amazing to me that no one was talking to mom or dad about what was happening and there were many things happening all at once.

I was so glad I was there to give them a few short explanations about what was happening and let them know what was going on. I know that helped this mom feel supported and her birth to be less traumatic. It wasn’t what she had planned, but my calm presence with the little bits of information I was giving her and her husband helped them to stay calm, helped them know what to expect.

I have so many other birth stories where my support as a doula took a potentially traumatic experience and helped it be a more positive experience because of my continuous, calm support.

Did you have a doula?

Did she help you avoid a traumatic birth?

Bonus Tip -

Download my free book – Top Three Tips to Enjoy Your Birth!

Healing From a Traumatic Birth Series

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8 Tips to Help a Mom Heal from a Traumatic Birth

June 17, 2011 in Birth, Cesarean

Moms often search for a doula for future births after a traumatic birth. So I have plenty of experience talking with moms about their traumatic births.

It is sad to hear they often didn’t feel supported by family or friends as they grieved their previous birth experience.

Here are some tips for family and friends (doulas too).

Birth can be a life changing experience in positive or negative ways. Supporting a woman with love will help her move through this time.
Don’t assume a mom is upset about parts of her birth or that she is happy about other parts. Ask her, “How do you feel about your birth?” “Tell me what happened.”
Listen – don’t put your emotions on it. Even if her baby is OK, don’t say, “At least your baby is OK” Of course the mom is happy her baby is OK, but that doesn’t make what happened to her OK. Certainly I would choose to have another emergency cesarean to save my child, but it was still the scariest day of my life. It took 10 years for me to be able to celebrate his birthday without crying about his birth. 10 years.
Be open to what they are saying. Don’t judge their emotions or what they say. It is their reality and they just need support with that. What they experienced may not seem traumatic to you, but it was to them!
Ask open ended questions and listen to their answers. Then paraphrase what they said and see if you understand.
Let her know that it is OK to be sad/angry whatever she is feeling. Moms in grief just want to be heard and understood.
Be Patient. Know it can take a long time (sometimes years) for some moms to deal with their experiences. Don’t put a time limit on their grief. If you are concerned it is taking a long time, offer up some resources where they can find additional support.
Some things you can say.

“I’m so sorry.”
“It sounds like _____. (paraphrase what she said to make sure you are understanding)”
“I’m happy to listen whenever you feel the need to talk.”

Healing From a Traumatic Birth Series

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7 Tips to Help You Heal after a Traumatic Birth

June 16, 2011 in Birth, Cesarean

Here are some things you can try as you heal from your birth.

Accept your feelings – It is OK to feel sad or disappointed after a traumatic birth. It is OK to grieve losing the birth you desired. You are not crazy.
Talk – find a friend, family member or therapist (trained in birth issues) who will listen unconditionally. If you are able to process your experiences you will move through the stages of grief more quickly.
Pray – pray for help in healing physically, emotionally and spiritually. Ask other people to pray for you.
Hypnosis is a great tool for letting go of trauma. Here is a great resource. Janet Field has created hypnosis scripts to help moms heal from traumatic births.
Energy Healing such as EFT or other modalities can help immensely to let go of the pain and trauma.
Online resources can help you find other moms dealing with similar situations and you can find a group that can really empathize with your experience. ICAN for cesarean moms or Solace for Mothers for any type of traumatic birth.
Don’t put a time limit on your healing. Allow yourself to grieve and know that if you continue to move forward and work through your experience healing will come.

Healing From a Traumatic Birth Series

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Grieving After a Traumatic Birth

June 15, 2011 in Birth, Cesarean

When a mom experiences a traumatic birth, she can heal more quickly by being supported while going through the stages of grief.

SHOCK & DENIAL-
Sometimes during birth or immediately after a mom is in a state of shock, totally unable to believe what has just happened to her. She may even deny that it was traumatic at first. This is to help her survive the experience.
PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock fades away, a mom may begin to feel overwhelmed by the pain (physical, mental or emotional) from her birth experience.
ANGER & BARGAINING-
A moms frustration turns to anger and looking to lay blame on someone for what happened. Herself or others. What if I had only done this? or What if the Doctor had done this instead?
“DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Sometimes right when others think a mom should be getting past her birth experience a mom might enter into a state of sad reflection. She may feel very lonely, like no one understands or cares what she has been through. This is a normal stage of grief, so it is important that a mom is listened to during this time. Talking her out of it will not work. Listening and empathy will help a mom feel not so alone and help her move to the next step (on her own time!)
RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
If a mom can review her birth with someone and work through what choices were made on everyone’s part and is able to see it from other angles, it can help her work through some of the emotions she is feeling. Talking with others who were there or getting copies of their medical records so they can see all that happened are ways to do this. Be aware this can be a trigger and be upsetting or it can be calming.
ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
A mom learns to accept and deal with what happened during her birth. It doesn’t mean she will be happy about it. But it is a place where she can move forward and hope for a better experience for her next birth.

Healing From a Traumatic Birth Series

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What is a Traumatic Birth?

June 14, 2011 in Birth, Cesarean, Parenting

There is no easy answer to this. What may be traumatic to one mom would be fine to another.

Some births are obviously traumatic (to others), such as when a mom or baby’s life is at risk – a mom might or might not be traumatized by this.
Some births seem “normal” (to others), but a mom is traumatized by the experience.

Simple Answer

If a mom perceives it at traumatic, then it is traumatic!

It is that simple. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about it, it only matters what you think about your birth.

Examples

Traumatic Birth Examples could vary from:

Emergency Cesarean
Birth where a mom is given a vaginal exam while she is asking her care provider to stop.
Birth which lasts for a very long time and mom is exhausted
If a mom has previous history of abuse she may be more vulnerable for a traumatic birth – she should get extra support and alert her care providers so they are sensitive!
Birth is very fast and mom doesn’t have time for an epidural she was planning on getting.
__________________ Fill in the blank.

Again, it doesn’t matter what others think, it is what the mom perceives that matters.

Healing From a Traumatic Birth Series

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Who Cares?

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Who Cares if you had a Traumatic Birth?!

June 13, 2011 in Birth, Cesarean, Parenting

It sometimes feels like no one does.

Moms who have experienced a traumatic birth need special support after. Often friends and family are not aware of how to provide this.

My first birth was a surprise emergency cesarean at 34 weeks. It was scary and traumatic to me, my husband and my baby. The friends I had did not know how to support me through this.

What’s the big deal?

They acted as if I was blowing things out of proportion. My baby was born and we were both alright, so what was the big deal?

It was a huge deal to me and I wondered if maybe I was crazy that it affected me so deeply.

I was NOT crazy and neither are you!

I thought maybe I was crazy until I read an amazing talk called Helping Parents Cope with a High-Risk Birth: Terror, Grief, Impotence and Anger. by, Michael T. Hynan, Ph.D. University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee

I will make one point again and again today, and I’ll start now. During a high-risk birth the crazy, mixed- up feelings of … parents are a natural and normal reaction to incredible stress. When I talk to groups of high- risk parents, I feel like I am addressing a meeting of the veterans of the baby wars. If you have been in the life and death battlefield of the NICU, you are going to be disorganized and upset for months- – some of us for years.

We feel crazy, and we want to return to normal quickly. But that is the worst thing we can try to do, because we can’t stop or reverse the natural, healing process of our emotional reactions without doing damage to ourselves. The only things that are normal for high- risk parents are terror, grief, impotence, and anger (plus assorted other feelings like guilt, frustration, jealousy, and intense fatigue). And experiencing these lousy emotions are signs that we parents are doing well, not poorly.

What I had experienced was very traumatic and what I was feeling was normal. It wasn’t fun, but it was important to deal with what happened to me. I found some outside support and continued my healing process. I will be honest and admit it took about 10 years to feel completely healed and be at a point where I could completely enjoy Devon’s birthday without remembering with sadness his birth.

If you have had a traumatic birth

I care. I know that it can have a long lasting effect.

There are other people out there who care too. Here are some resources for you.

Cesarean Births – ICAN
Any Traumatic Birth – Solace for Mothers

Healing From a Traumatic Birth Series

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Awesome Cesarean Video – How things COULD be!

March 12, 2011 in Cesarean

I need to finish up my Positive Cesarean section for the book I am contributing too.

I will definitely reference this video in the appendix.

It isn’t embedding – uggh. Here is the link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5RIcaK98Yg

I hope that one day all cesareans will be this kind for mom and baby!

As one of my friends pointed out, it would lower the PPD rate and increase the breastfeeding rates if more cesareans were like this.

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Waiting 2 Hours can Prevent a Cesarean?

March 3, 2011 in Birth, Cesarean

Julie goes into the hospital with her husband to birth her baby. Things are going great until she gets “stuck” at 7 cm. After a little bit the OB comes in and says, “It looks like we are going to need to do a cesarean.”

Sadly most moms in America would just say, “OK.” They would trust their OB knew what was best.c

If only those other moms had read this study by UCSF which shows that waiting 2 hours in a “stalled labor” can usually prevent a cesarean.”

Luckily Julie reads the Enjoy Birth Blog and knew about this study. She and her husband asked some good questions:

Am I OK?
Is the baby doing OK?
What are the risks of a cesarean?
What are some other things we can do to help get things moving along?

After a good discussion with the OB they asked for some time to make a decision. They decided to wait 2 hours and see if any progress was made. Their OB was a little irritated because it was close to dinner time and he wanted to go home (not that he told them that) His irritation was evident. “Well, it could be a waste of time. The baby is doing fine now, but he might not be in an hour.”

Julie stood strong in her desire to wait! She even referred him to the UCSF study.

They had internet access and were able to Google for some ideas. They found this post with 8 Natural and Effective Tips for a “Stalled Labor” and tried some of the tips.

2 hours later she had made progress and went onto have her baby vaginally 2 hours after that.