This is part of my blog series about what I discovered about how my birth trauma with T1 left many trapped emotions in my body, which had a big effect on how I was mothering.  I was able to release them with awesome massage “therapy”, another great tool is the The Emotion Code

T1 does have some long term issues from his birth trauma.  In the scheme of things it is so insignificant.  But in my mind it was huge!  I couldn’t seem to let go of the guilt and uncertainty of his future.

It was really hard when he was around 2.

His issues were apparent and we didn’t know what kind of long term effect it would have.  We got a diagnosis of mild Cerebral Palsy and that was scary.  Would he be able to learn to run, climb, talk, read, etc???  We had him in early intervention from 1 year old and continued for years.

He is 14 now

He reads on a college level, he hikes and mountain bikes and talks all the time.  He is fine.

But when I looked at him I still saw this helpless 2 year old in my mind and felt the trapped emotions of guilt and uncertainty.  Me seeing him this way was actually keeping him stuck in many ways and certainly I was stuck in some negative patterns with that.  So with therapy with Pam and Emotion Code I let those trapped emotions go.  I also used some positive affirmations to really chose to see him as a competent, awesome 14 year old that he is.

Our relationship is changing in a really good way since I made that shift.

Here is an amazing example.  I used to hover when he had homework, especially reports.  He does have dysgraphia which makes writing a challenge and I always wanted to “help.”  Which wasn’t actually helpful, it caused a lot of contention.   But I saw him as a helpless 2 year old, so I couldn’t really step back.  Well since school started this year, I have totally stepped back.  Not helping at all and guess what.  He is totally rising to the occasion.  He had A’s and B’s on his report card with no help from me.  It is a lot less stressful around here simply because of that.  :)

I read the books and enjoyed them.

My 2 oldest boys read the books and want to see the movie.

I got mixed reviews from friends so I had to go see it to decide if I would let my boys see it.

The movie was well done, it entertained me and the time passed quickly.  But it disturbed me in many ways too.

Here is my problem – one of the points of the story is that violence should not be for entertainment.  The Capitol uses violence as a means to control its people as well as a form of entertainment for themselves.  This is WRONG, the story is partially about making this point.

Yet I paid money to be entertained by violence.

I am so disturbed by the amount of entertaining violence our children and adults consume.  It is wrong and dangerous and can only lead to problems for our society.

My son had a friend come over to play.  He spent 90% of the time playing a violent game on his iTouch.  When it ran out of batteries he plugged into the wall and stood there playing more while it charged.  What does this say about society?  Can this lead anywhere good?

I will admit I am on the opposite spectrum, we have very little media in our home and what we do have is very limited.  No shooting games, no violent games – Lego Star Wars is as bad as it gets, and I don’t let my 6 year old play it or even watch it.  When children see violence as something entertaining… it just is not something I can support in my home.

Yay – the bad guy died!

During the Hunger Games Movie there were people cheering when “bad guys” were killed.  I wanted to stop the movie and explain to these people – those bad guys are someone’s children.  We can’t cheer that they have died, just because they were “bad” doesn’t mean it is OK.

The irony is too much.  Violence as entertainment is wrong, but come pay to watch some violence about this and we will entertain you.

I may let my 14 year old watch it and then have a discussion about it with him.  But my 11 year old?  I don’t think so. We have talked about the books as he read them and he can watch it when he is older.  But I can’t expose him to such violence as entertainment, even when it is sharing a message I agree with.

This is part of my blog series about what I discovered about how my birth trauma with T1 left many trapped emotions in my body, which had a big effect on how I was mothering.  I was able to release them with awesome massage “therapy”, another great tool is the The Emotion Code

A few weeks into massage “therapy”  I started doing Yoga. Which is something I had wanted to try for YEARS.  Now I was choosing to and I loved it.

My favorite class is the Gentle Restorative Yoga.  It really lets go of emotions, I usually cry a little and it is just freeing.

I can’t breathe!

So in one of my Yoga classes I realize I can’t fully breathe.  That my right rib/lung area is stuck.  Then I realize it is how I felt after T1 was born.

He was born about 3 in the afternoon and I didn’t get to see him for over 24 hours.  Part of that reason is I felt I couldn’t breathe.  There was this horrible respiratory flu going around when he was born and I was so afraid I had it and I didn’t want to get him sick.  So we waited until I could breathe again and then I went to see him.

In this Yoga class I realized it wasn’t that I couldn’t breathe after I had him.  It was that I was having a panic attack and that was why I couldn’t breathe.

I was so excited to go and see Pam and talk to her about this.  To release this!

Release the Guilt!

So we talked and she massaged and we realized I had heavy, heavy guilt trapped in that area as well as heartache.  This had made it litterally impossible for me to breathe deeply for over 13 years!

Because of that limited ability to breathe, I hated wearing tight things.  Most especially bras.  I have been bra free for 13 years.  It is nice I am so small, so I can get away with that.  But since letting this go, I have been able to add bras back into my wardrobe, when I want to.  ;)

My hatred of bras started with a panic attack after T1 was born, which led to me not being able to breathe.

Bad birth = no bras?  

In my case, yes!

I had written a series on my massage therapy/therapy and how it helped me uncover all these issues that came up from the birth trauma from T1′s birth.  I wrote this series last fall, but put off posting it.  I finally decided March was the month and I had all the posts scheduled out for March.

Well, I am interrupting the posts to say that T1 had a bad fall while mountain biking 2 weeks ago.  It is a little ironic, seeing biking was something I was so nervous about before I started my massage therapy/therapy.

Luckily he is doing amazingly well and will completely recover within 8-12 weeks.

If you want to read more about my experience, you can read it on the Gift of Giving Life blog, where I post about more spiritual things.  :)

• Preparing for the Unknown.  I had felt something big was coming for our family and wanted to prepare somehow.  It was a challenge because I didn’t know WHAT was coming.
• Blessings Every Step of the Way.   Blessings were poured out upon our family that weekend.  I was prepared and had support from God, my family and friends every step of the way!

This is part of my blog series about what I discovered about how my birth trauma with T1 left many trapped emotions in my body, which had a big effect on how I was mothering.  I was able to release them with awesome massage “therapy”, another great tool is the The Emotion Code

In my second session with Pam I discovered that I felt very disconnected to my family.  One reason why I loved being pregnant and breastfeeding is I was CONNECTED literally and that was so fulfilling.  It helped me feel connected emotionally too.

Sudden and Forced Disconnection from Emergency Cesarean

I discovered that this started with – not surprisingly – the birth if T1.  I felt that he had been ripped from my body and I was so suddenly and unexpectedly disconnected from him.

Then during T2′s birth I felt SO connected to Rob and T2, until I got Demerol and an epidural.   I think one reason I had PPD after T2, was that sudden disconnection again. Breastfeeding helped me stay connected with him, but I was completely disconnected with T1 and DH during that postpartum period.

So with T3′s birth I really wanted to go all natural to have that immensely connecting experience.  I did and it was great.  I stayed connected with T3 for hours after his birth and the transition to separation was smoother.

So in the weeks after that session I really worked on connecting with my family.  I don’t have to be physically connected with them to be emotionally connected!

This is part of my blog series about what I discovered about how my birth trauma with T1 left many trapped emotions in my body, which had a big effect on how I was mothering.  I was able to release them with awesome massage “therapy”, another great tool is the The Emotion Code

At my very first appointment, the first issue that came up was

Fear of Loss

2 incidents in my young childhood had given me this strong fear. A close family friend had 2 of her children die.  One was hit by a car while riding on her bike.  The other died after a long illness.

This experience as a young child has cast a long shadow on my mothering.

To give you an example:  T1 is 13 and this was the first summer I let him ride his bike around our neighborhood by himself.  He is 13.  I had no concious idea of why I was so scared to let him do that.  But a good cry on the massage table after figuring it out and he was free on his bike this summer and I was never nervous at all.

Our subconcious mind is SO POWERFUL!!!!

My Birth Trauma Intensified this Fear of Loss

I have always been much more guarded with T1 then the other boys.  In this session I discovered it was because that morning when I noticed he wasn’t moving in the womb, I already thought I had lost him.  I was SO SCARED.  That fear lingered through my mothering of him.  Until I let it go on Pam’s amazing massage table.

It was amazing that once I made that connection and worked that fear of loss out of my body how I felt lighter and wasn’t scared anymore!

Arms Wide Open: A Midwife’s Journey by Patricia Harman

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I enjoyed this memoir of Patricia’s path to midwifery. It was fascinating reading about her life as a hippie completely living off the land. I loved seeing how she was guided into midwifery and the path that led her there.

I also appreciated that it followed to her today “after” catching babies. The reflections of her life were a joy to read.
I definitely want to read her other memoir The Blue Cotton Gown.  I really enjoyed her writing style and stories.  I think any birth worker or birth lover would enjoy reading Arms Wide Open!

I had the opportunity to get a free sample of the Laselle Kegel Exercisers from Intimina to review.

This may be the most interesting item I have reviewed so far on my blog.

I understand the importance of a strong pelvic floor, but admit I am not the best at doing my  Kegels, so I was interested to see how the Laselle Kegel Exerciser could help.  I will let you go to the link to learn more about them and how they are used.

Here are the benefits I found while using Laselle:

• Easy to use
• It definitely made me more aware of my pelvic floor
• It encouraged me to do more kegels
• I could feel a difference after using it.

I donated $25 to her cause. Check out her website and see if you can help her reach her goal.
http://heartfelthomebirth.blogspot.com/

I am hosting an Essential Oil class for birth workers.  The information can be used for yourself personally and used to help support pregnant and birthing moms.

It is a free class and will be held March 12th  in South Orange County.  Here is a link to more information and to register.  http://helpyourself.eventbrite.com/

I hope you can make it.