1/15/98

Very special day.  T1′ss first full day at home and Rob’s 30^th birthday!  Last night I was exhausted by 11 PM  I went to bed and mom fed him a bottle of breast milk at midnight.  He spit-up a lot of it.  I breastfed him at 3am and again at 5am.  I woke him up at 8am to feed him again.

He has had 3 wet diapers so far today.  He is busy sleeping in his cradle.  He looks so tiny in there.  He sleeps good.  He makes lots of little noises and we hear all of them with him right next to us.  I am sure I will learn to sleep through it.

I made a Dr’s appointment for him tomorrow.  We got home around 9:30 last night and Rob made it home around 11:15.  He is going to try and take this afternoon off or part of it.  He will also try to come to Dr. apt.  (Rob got tomorrow off –so he will make it.)

It was so wonderful to have him home!  It felt so good.

1/14/1998

I really miss my baby!   My mom made me laugh yesterday and my incision is bleeding a little bit now.  Nurse was not ready for us so he didn’t start to eat until 9:30.  So Mom and I are going back at 12:30 because he moves back to St. Jo’s in the afternoon.  Mom and I will go back at 9PM.  Rob has to work until 9:30 tonight.

Wow – CRP is down to 1.9.  He is maybe coming home later today.

Nurse says yes!

He will get circumcised by Dr. Sing first. (What was I thinking circumcising him after a traumatic NICU stay?  If I had a boy today I wouldn’t circumcise in any instance.  This shows how as moms we learn and grow and change.  So sorry T1, I wish I hadn’t done that.)

We are heading home to get camera and camcorder.  Coming home outfit, etc.  I must go pump first.

OK – car seat is installed – now we are just waiting for them to call.

I called Rob and if they call soon enough he can go.  But it is already 4:10 so I doubt he will make it.  I tried to sleep but am too excited.

We have the baby!

We picked him up at 8PM.  Rob couldn’t make it, he was so sad about that.  If we had had a days notice he could have rearranged everything.  They just let us carry him out.  Mom carried him.  We dressed him in his outfit.  It is a preemie size and it is huge!  We took tons of pictures.  His circumcision hurts him when we change his diaper.

(It felt so surreal being able to take him home. Like he was really MINE!  Before that it seemed like he belonged to the hospital.  I would “put him away” in the box and go home.  The whole thing was so surreal.  I only had 12 days of NICU parenting.  Other people have MONTHS!)

1/13/98

Fed T1 at 9am.  He prefers the right side.  My left nipple is a little funny.  When he comes home and we go to the breastfeeding clinic we will have them check it out.  (Looking back now, I think all my boys preferred the right side.  Maybe my left side is not as tasty?    Either way all my boys nursed successfully.)

Mom and I are going to the baby store – then to lunch then back at noon.  Depending on what they say and how I feel we might come back for the 3:00 feeding, but we’ll see.  I’ll definitely come back for the 9:00 one.

We need to get some bottles, a breastfeeding pillow, eurobath.

Jean and Dick sent us $50, NanaNa is sending some $.  Dad and Fran will buy us a dresser changing table.  Rob needs to put the car seat in the car and build the Co-Sleeper and attach it to the bed.  Then we will be ready for him to come home.  It will be a long day.

10AM CRP is still 2.7 – will stay on antibiotics another day.  Then they are going to do another urinalysis

He definitely prefers my right breast.  We are heading home and I think we won’t come back at 3:00, so he can rest up.  He only ate 5ml from the bottle after my breast.  But he only did one side really.

(We lived about 20 minutes from the hospital.  My physical recovery from the cesarean was going slowly.  I was truly exhausted and my body hurt.  I wanted to see my baby so much more, but physically it was hard to.)

1/12/98

Diane is day nurse and is excellent!

Long day!  We went in at 9AM.  He had already eaten, so I just held him.  He was very alert!  We mentioned breastfeeding to the nurse.  So when we came back at 12 the screen was all set up.  She helped get him latched on.  He does so good.  He does 10 minutes on each side, then we give him a bottle.

The nurse freaked us out a bit by saying he might come home in the next few days- so I need to breastfeed as much as possible and she would have me change him, etc at 3.  (Thank you to this nurse for taking my desire to breastfeed seriously.  She was the one who was serious about me nursing as much as possible, so he would be ready to come home)

So we came home and took a short nap and went back.  I took his temperature, changed him and fed him again.  He is so precious.

Rob and I went back at 8:30.  I changed him again and he ate at the breast and then some bottle.  Susan was his night nurse and she was so sweet.  I was SO tired when we got home.  Oh, we also stopped by Dr. W’s for my UTI.  I am on Keflex now.  (I had recurring UTI through my pregnancy with T1, it is probably what led to my preterm labor)

1/11/98

Went and did 9 AM feeding.  Nurse was running behind so he was ready to be fed at 9:30.  He was very alert.  He stayed awake through more than half of his feeding.  He LOOKED at me.  It was so precious.   (I remember this very vividly even 13 years later.  It was the first time I felt we had connected since he was born.)

I just got my rented pump today and it is so much easier than the other one.  Rob’s mom is coming up today and they will go visit in the afternoon.  She ended up not coming.

Mom and I went to 3 PM feeding. It was his First time breastfeeding, he latched on! (He was 9 days old and it was his first time?  This seems appalling to me now.  He was a healthy 34 weeker, yes he was small, but he was breathing great.  I don’t remember ever doing any skin to skin either before this point.  This was 13 years ago and I hope that this has changed.)

We had a birthday party for Rob.  4 couples came over from 6:30-8.  We had an ice cream cake.  It was fun.  I wanted to make sure Rob had a special time for him because it is his 30^th birthday this year.  After everyone left Mom, Rob and I crashed and watched The American President.  (WHAT WAS I THINKING?  This is all I can say 13 years later.  I was crazy.  Though it was super easy, because we bought a cake and they were only over for an hour or so.  But it was a bit crazy.)

11/10/98

This morning we have our mother assessment.  We will go to feed T1 first.  He threw up his 3 am feeding, but did OK with his 6am feeding.

• Not bleeding a lot – normal?
• Urinate – still a little hard
• Breastfeeding – how often should I be pumping?
• Support person?
• Transition to breast?
• My milk in ?  Not a lot with pumping.
• Rent double?  How much?  Insurance cover it?

Mother assessment went well.  Everyone says my stomach is tight.  It just makes me sad it is empty.

Hard day – T1 still has mysterious infection.  CRP is up again.  They will test his urine and blood to see if it is OK.  He will be on antibiotics at least 4 more days.

Went with Rob for 3:00 feeding.   I had thought I would get to put him on the breast, but he threw up again so they gavage fed him and then we let his stomach settle, then I held him and he threw up.  It broke my heart.

So I only held him for about 5 minutes in the afternoon and 15 minutes in the morning.  I am so very sad.

Rob and Christian went back at 9pm and gave him a blessing.

He was blessed with this -

“He will know I am his mom and I love him even though I can’t be there all the time.  That he will be able to learn to eat well – breastfeeding will go well too.  That his infection will clear up.  That he will be able to come home in a few days to be with his family.”

This was very reassuring to me, especially about the breastfeeding.  I really wanted that to work.

1/9/98

We are on the way to interview the pediatrician.

Circumcision

Preemie – What do you do different?  More visits?

Breastfeeding

Emergency – how many doctors on call?

Visit in hospital prior to him coming?  Who lets her know?

We liked Dr. E. – so she will be T1’s pediatrician.  His first visit will be about a week after he comes home.

We went and fed T1 his 11:30 feeding.  He ate 28 ml, almost an ounce.  He slept through a good portion of it.

The babies all got moved to CHOC in the afternoon.  They are doing construction under the St. Jo’s nursery.  T1’s nurse said he didn’t like being transferred.  That he cried a lot.  That tired him out.  When Rob and I went to feed him at night he was very tired and didn’t eat as much.

(I will add this story though it was from when I was still in the hospital.

There was an evening when Rob and I went to the NICU to feed T1 and it was a busy night there.  I fed him his bottle and then we left.  Later when we called down to check on him the nurse YELLED at me saying that I fed him too much and he threw up a lot of it and that I shouldn’t have done that.  I was devastated.  I felt like I didn’t even know how to take care of my baby and that I was a bad mom.  But in reality, I didn’t know not to feed him the whole bottle.  How was I supposed to know that?

This is one of my first personal experiences where I can say how important the words we use as we work with moms is.  The words this nurse used made me feel inadequate and scared to take care of my baby.  She could have just as easily told me kindly, “I am sorry I didn’t tell you to only give him half the bottle.  He ate too much and threw up most of it.”

Also in retrospect I don’t even understand why he was being given bottles at all.  It was clear I wanted to breastfeed and I was never encouraged to try to do so.  So here it was 7 days after he was born and he had never latched on.  I was pumping, but that was it.)

1/8/98

On the way to see Dr. W.  (OB)  Questions for her.

1. When can I drive?
2. Why did it happen?  What happened?  Cord Results.
3. When will I feel normal again?
4. Back Pain?
5. Tylenol instead of pain pills?  Tylenol OK for Breastfeeding?
6. Eating – get tired and hungry, etc.
7. How do I know if I am doing too much?

Should feel normal in 6 weeks.

Apgar 6 and 9

Gasses showed that it was acute –  So there shouldn’t be long term effects.  The first 24 hours he had no problems and that is a really good sigh.  We had no problems.

Will go back to see her in one week.

Called Special Care Nursery – Ellen is his nurse today.  She said he is 4 lbs 1 oz today and we are going to feed him his 11:30 feeding.

Went to feed T1 his 8:45 feeding.  He ate 28 ml, almost an ounce!    He slept through his feeding but ate pretty well, even though he was sleeping.  He takes after his Dad that way.    (Rob likes to sleep)

Dr. H. is the neonatologist.

I recently found the journal I kept after T1 was born.

He was born 1/2/98 at 34 weeks via emergency cesarean due to being under distress.  I had woken up one morning and noticed he wasn’t moving and went in to get checked.  Being aware of his movements saved his life.

He was 4 pounds 3 ounces and 18 inches long.   I briefly held him after he was born and then didn’t hold him again til more than 24 hours after he was born.

I thought I would take a break from most of my normal posts and do a series in honor of his 13th birthday, I will post what I wrote in my journal 13 years ago for the next few days.

You can see my short journey through the NICU and I will also add my thoughts as I look back.

I didn’t start writing until the 7th.  I think that I went home from the hospital on the 6th.  So this journal was a way for me to feel connected to him, even though we spent most of our days miles apart.  It was also a place to write questions and answers.

1/7/98

T1 started eating again!

We visited with Nana at 3PM for feeding.  (I was so very lucky that my mom was able to come and spend a few weeks with us after he was born.  She drove me to the hospital and helped take care of me!) He ate quickly and then I held him.  We stopped by Babies R Us and I cried at the end because I was tired.  (My mom and I still laugh about this.  I was in the wheelchair and she was pushing me and kept crashing into things.  I can’t remember why I cried, I know it was just from exhaustion.  But whenever my mom is pushing a shopping cart and crashes into something we remember this.)

Rob and I went in for the 9 o’clock feeding.  He ate well again.  9 ml.  I’ve been pumping, so he is eating my milk which should be easier to digest.  It makes me feel good to provide him his food. (It was so important to me to be able to breastfeed and pumping was so mentally good for me.  I felt like I was doing SOMETHING.)

Rob held him for awhile while he slept after he ate.  We stayed for only about 30 minutes then headed home.  I get tired easily still.

I had a preemie.

It was life changing.  It was scary.  It was not the ideal start for my sons life.

I had been on bedrest for Preterm Labor from 25 weeks.  I figure I bought him 9 extra weeks, with the sacrifice of staying in bed, taking different pills and praying.

Devon was born at 34 weeks.  He was 4 pounds 3 ounces.

He only had to stay in the NICU for 12 days.

It felt so much longer.   But in comparison to what some preemies go through it was very little.

What can you do to help prevent prematurity?

• Take care of yourself.
• Eat well.
• Get prenatal care.
• Drink a lot of water.
• Pay attention to your body and baby.
• If you have more than 4 Braxton Hicks and hour, call your care provider.
• If baby’s movements decrease dramatically, call your care provider.
• TRUST your intuition!  If you feel something is wrong, insist you be seen!  (My friend pregnant with twins, suspected something was up at 25 weeks.  The OB blew her off, so finally she lied and said she had some bleeding.     So they had her come in and found she was 4cm dilated and they had her on bedrest in the hospital, where she was able to go a few more weeks.
• Do NOT get induced before 40 weeks (unless mom or baby is at risk)  So many babies that are preemies in the last few years were INDUCED!  Due dates are just guesstimates.  They can be off a few weeks.  So if a mom gets induced at 37 weeks, she may have a 34 week gestation baby.