• Surprise I got Pregnant
• Adjusting to the idea but worried too
• Definitely a Miscarriage

Saturday – Finding comfort in our book

still bleeding pretty steadily. Cramping has gone down. Spent the morning taking T2 to his tryouts and then to our charter school to help clean. I just talked to other moms, no work for me today. Then home to rest.

I am feeling better emotionally too today. I am still unsure of what to do later, but trying not to fixate on that (I tend to do that) but instead just be in the present moment.

• I am here
• I am feeling ____
• I am healing.

Remembering to breathe while feeling these strong feelings. Letting them move through me instead of getting stuck.

I also finally got out The Gift of Giving Life and started reading some loss stories and essays. I am finding them so comforting. I probably read them before, but they didn’t touch my heart like they do now.

I am so glad that we included these stories in our book, it is a part of many women’s life.

I never thought I would have a miscarriage, that those stories would be for ME. But now they are and I am glad they are there. I imagine one day I will be grateful to have had this experience, it will help me as I work with women.

(I found this lovely necklace when searching images for grateful. I LOVE it and want it as a momento from my sweet tiny hope of a baby I lost. The page where I found it on wasn’t where I can buy it. If anyone knows where I can get this, let me know! For some reason it touches my heart. The teardrop shape of the grateful plate, is like the tears I cried and also like the womb I carried my baby in. The tiny heart is like my tiny baby.)

Sunday – Why don’t we talk about this?

– went to church. I am telling people I had a miscarriage and it is amazing how many others have had one too. It is strange we don’t talk about this.

It is like a hidden thing, until someone tells you, then you share.

I wish we talked more about it.

Nikki said,

“I knew you were going to try to have a baby. How could you not with your book?!”

She has been reading it and it makes her want another baby. She is one of my birthing heroes. I will have to tell you some of her stories one day.

Are we going to try again?

Rob and I decided not to make any decisions for a few weeks. To let my body and hormones recover. So we will use birth control for a few weeks as we move on and process what happened. We will decide later what to do.