I have been on quite the journey…

My “baby” Thing turned 7 years old last month.

I have been struggling for years as to whether or not we were “done”.

I love babies and would have more, but DH wasn’t really interested in having another baby. I didn’t “feel” a baby waiting, so I didn’t push the issue.

Then there was a shift.  Maybe it was the fact I was turning 42 and the window of opportunity was closing.  Maybe it was that so many of my friends were getting pregnant.  Whatever it was, Rob and I made a shift.

Here is how we got pregnant for the 4th time*

*don’t get too excited, I had an early miscarriage and will be blogging about it throughout the week

Here are a list of blog posts of my journey

• I don’t feel another baby waiting
• But, I want another baby
• Inspiration from General Conference
• Fasting for an answer – feeling I should give up “control”
• Admitting our fears to each other helps us move forward
• Opening myself up spiritually to another baby
• Condom Fairy Visits – at least til my birthday
• Calling = no baby?

Leaving it up to God

We decided a few months ago to not use birth control until my Birthday (I turn 42), the condom fairy actually came in April .  So April – September, that is 6 months where if it is meant to be, it will happen.

I felt inspired to do this, to leave it up to God/nature/if it is meant to be.  By some crazy miracle, Rob agreed to it.  We both felt some fear and trepidation, but mostly peace.  It was the details that were distracting to me.  But letting go of those, I was open to adding a new person for all of us to love into our family.

I thought we would miss the window of opportunity in July.

I was going to be apart from Rob  for 16 days, while the boys and I were in Illinois and Rob stayed home to work.  But then I surprisingly ovulated late, the day I returned home.

I was nervous, knowing we would be having sex and knowing I was fertile.  Did I really want to do this?  Details, distraction… but the condom fairy had come, so I didn’t really have a choice.  We were definitely going to be together and there was no birth control to use.  So I let go of control.

Then I worried for a few days and then let it go.

August was busy and I got a horrible cold.

I co-hosted 2 blessingways for my dear friends and I was getting excited to see if this was the month, if things “worked”

I actually took a pregnancy test at the end of Angela’s blessingway, when there were just a few of us left cleaning up.  But the results were negative.  I spotted a bit the next day, so figured my period was on its’ way.

Rob and I had a couples get away planned.  I ended up with a bad cold the whole time we were gone and my period just wasn’t starting either.  If I had been in the states I may have bought a pregnancy test, but we were at a resort in Mexico.  Also, Rob didn’t really want to know.  He just wanted to enjoy our trip (which we managed to do, despite my being sick and it raining for half the time.)

We finally made it home.  I remained sick with stuffed sinuses and clogged ear and sore throat.

Taking another pregnancy test

The last 2 pregnancies (T2 and T3) I took a test alone and then surprised Rob with the results.  This time I wanted to do it with him.  I may have waited a bit longer, but I was going to go to the Doctor to see why I was still sick and if I needed antibiotics I wanted to know if I was pregnant or not.

I told Rob.  I did the test, set it on the bathroom counter and sat on the floor, while he unpacked  his toiletries from the trip.  After a few minutes with him not looking, I finally had to look.  I wasn’t really surprised when it said I was pregnant.

I felt such a random mixture of feelings.

• nervous
• worried
• excited
• tired
• old
• unsure
• happy

Rob said,

“I guess this is what happens when you have sex without birth control.”

Then he gave me a hug and said, “”It is all good.”

I went to the doctor to find I have a bad cold.  Oh so helpful.

*don’t get too excited, I am no longer pregnant, I had an early miscarriage which I will blog about throughout this week.