11/10/98

This morning we have our mother assessment.  We will go to feed T1 first.  He threw up his 3 am feeding, but did OK with his 6am feeding.

• Not bleeding a lot – normal?
• Urinate – still a little hard
• Breastfeeding – how often should I be pumping?
• Support person?
• Transition to breast?
• My milk in ?  Not a lot with pumping.
• Rent double?  How much?  Insurance cover it?

Mother assessment went well.  Everyone says my stomach is tight.  It just makes me sad it is empty.

Hard day – T1 still has mysterious infection.  CRP is up again.  They will test his urine and blood to see if it is OK.  He will be on antibiotics at least 4 more days.

Went with Rob for 3:00 feeding.   I had thought I would get to put him on the breast, but he threw up again so they gavage fed him and then we let his stomach settle, then I held him and he threw up.  It broke my heart.

So I only held him for about 5 minutes in the afternoon and 15 minutes in the morning.  I am so very sad.

Rob and Christian went back at 9pm and gave him a blessing.

He was blessed with this –

“He will know I am his mom and I love him even though I can’t be there all the time.  That he will be able to learn to eat well – breastfeeding will go well too.  That his infection will clear up.  That he will be able to come home in a few days to be with his family.”

This was very reassuring to me, especially about the breastfeeding.  I really wanted that to work.