Moms often search for a doula for future births after a traumatic birth. So I have plenty of experience talking with moms about their traumatic births.
It is sad to hear they often didn’t feel supported by family or friends as they grieved their previous birth experience.
Here are some tips for family and friends (doulas too).
- Birth can be a life changing experience in positive or negative ways. Supporting a woman with love will help her move through this time.
- Don’t assume a mom is upset about parts of her birth or that she is happy about other parts. Ask her, “How do you feel about your birth?” “Tell me what happened.”
- Listen – don’t put your emotions on it. Even if her baby is OK, don’t say, “At least your baby is OK” Of course the mom is happy her baby is OK, but that doesn’t make what happened to her OK. Certainly I would choose to have another emergency cesarean to save my child, but it was still the scariest day of my life. It took 10 years for me to be able to celebrate his birthday without crying about his birth. 10 years.
- Be open to what they are saying. Don’t judge their emotions or what they say. It is their reality and they just need support with that. What they experienced may not seem traumatic to you, but it was to them!
- Ask open ended questions and listen to their answers. Then paraphrase what they said and see if you understand.
- Let her know that it is OK to be sad/angry whatever she is feeling. Moms in grief just want to be heard and understood.
- Be Patient. Know it can take a long time (sometimes years) for some moms to deal with their experiences. Don’t put a time limit on their grief. If you are concerned it is taking a long time, offer up some resources where they can find additional support.
- Some things you can say.
- “I’m so sorry.”
- “It sounds like _____. (paraphrase what she said to make sure you are understanding)”
- “I’m happy to listen whenever you feel the need to talk.”
Healing From a Traumatic Birth Series
(Sign up for my RSS feed, to be sure you don’t miss the rest of the series)
- Who Cares?
- What qualifies as a Traumatic Birth?
- Grieving after a traumatic birth.
- 7 Tips to Help You Heal After a Traumatic Birth
- 8 Tips to Help Support Another Mom Heal
- How can you avoid a traumatic birth?
I had a traumatic birth four months ago and I am really, really struggling. My husband just does not understand and is always saying there is nothing he can do. Before reading this, I truly didn’t know what I needed but I like these suggestions a lot. I am definitely going to show this to him
Hugs to you. I hope that these tips can help you get better support from those around you. It can take time to heal, but be patient with yourself, it will come!