Devon turns 10 today.
January 2, 1998
The scariest day of my life…. and the happiest day of my life. A day that changed my life forever.
I became a mother that day, but in reality I became a mother months before when I conceived my first baby, Devon. I guess I really became a mother when we conciously started trying to conceive him.
I became a mother when I first felt him move within my womb. How I loved feeling his little movements, getting to know him as he grew within me. I knew he was a boy before an ultrasound confirmed it.
I became a mother when I had preterm labor and was on strict bed rest starting at 25 weeks.
I became a mother when I had to fight for what I felt was right and important when my first OB wasn’t listening to my concerns I went through the challenge of changing care providers. Why that has to be so hard remains a mystery, yet was worth every effort it took.
I became a mother when I made numerous trips to the hospital, received many shots, took many pills…. to keep him inside me as long as possible.
I became a mother when I woke up one morning at 34 weeks and noticed he wasn’t moving. I was very aware of him, because on bed rest what else did I have to do, but think about and notice him.
I became a mother when I suddenly in my deepest part of my heart, KNEW something was wrong with my baby. I became a mother when I thought I had already lost this sweet baby I hadn’t even yet met.
I became a mother when I went to get checked, they found his heartbeat and I was flooded with relief. My baby was still alive. All was well.
I became a mother when I learned all was not well, my baby was under stress and needed to be born right away.
I became a mother when I willingly offered up my body to be cut into so his life could be saved.
I became a mother when minutes later Devon was lifted from my womb.
I became a mother when I heard his small cry, at first I thought there was a cat in the operating room, he sounded like a kitten.
I became a mother when I held him for a minute before he went to the NICU with his Dad.
I became a mother when I missed him and felt SO empty without him in me as I was separated from him for almost 24 hours. Precious time when he was in a plastic box and I was alone in a room without my baby. The emptiness was unbearable.
I became a mother when I painfully made my way down to the NICU, scrubbed my hands, put on a gown and finally held him in my arms, gazing in his eyes and seeing my sweet son.
I first felt like a mother, when my friends came to visit. In the room without him I felt as I always had. But when I went to the NICU, held him in my arms and my friends saw me and him through the window… then I FELT like a mother. The joy of sharing the miracle we had created.
I became a mother when I had to leave the hospital empty handed, to return many times to visit, while I was still healing.
I became a mother when I nursed him for the first time 10 days after his birth. A moment I will never forget.
I became a mother when I finally brought him home, he rarely left my arms for months. Sleeping on top of me each night, nursing every 2 hours, growing right before my eyes.
I have had SO many experiences that continue to help me become a mother. I thank Devon for being my first born. I thank him for laying so still so I would know there was a problem. Also I thank him for being born the way he was. It was not what I had hoped for or was working towards (I wanted a Natural Bradley Birth) but it started me on a path of learning more about birth and has led me to where I am today.
I believe that most pregnancies and births are normal and safe! I am so glad I was able to go on to have 2 healing pregnancies and vaginal births. I believe that we need to trust our bodies and babies. If we listen to them we can know what we most need. I am so glad I listened that morning when he wasn’t moving, that I followed my intuition and went to get checked.
Mothers’ intuitions are powerful. We must use them to Enjoy our Births!
To learn more about cesareans, whether to avoid one, to heal from one, get support… whatever you need. Visit ICAN, International Cesarean Awareness Network.